First of all, you should check out this Resident Evil Mercenaries 3D review I did. It’s an okay game, but it lacks content, I do have high hopes for Resident Evil Revelations now. Anyways, cool people* read my reviews, so be cool.

*cool people really aren’t cool.

Recently I also worked on GamerGaia’s first unofficial podcast, Pixel Power. You should checks it out, click the seagull for infinite fun.

A Podcast about gaming, and this week, crazed seagulls and sideways mountain climbing.

We’ll hopefully have the podcast available on itunes, keep an eye out for more to come if you’re interested.

I’ll leave you all with this.

That is a great song. I’m addicted to it.

That said, this is a pretty big milestone for me in my still short time in the video game journalism field. This might be a bad picture of it, but my name is up there, awww yeah.

Have you ever had an experience in a video game whereby you see something that you’ve seen in pretty much every other video game ever? We’ve all seen video game clichés, many of us are plain sick of them and surely we’re long overdue for a change.

Problem: Exploding Barrels – There are two basic truths behind every first person shooter. First of all, you are going to shoot people. Second of all, you are going to shoot barrels, and those barrels will explode. Exploding barrels and guns have gone hand in hand for a long, long time, and it’s time for a change.

Solution: Imploding Barrels – A simple twist on the classic. We’ve all seen bodies fly off because they’ve been launched in some catastrophic explosion but don’t you think it would be cool if a barrel being punctured caused an implosion, sucking in minions to be painfully crushed to death? It may seem pretty sci-fi and unrealistic, but it is not like there are many barrels that explode on contact around in real life either.

Problem: My Hero Can’t Talk – Mute heroes have done amazingly well; outside of occasionally screaming like a small schoolgirl, Link is one of the greatest and least oratory heroes of all time. This has lead to all of the mute heroes having a near stranglehold on the gaming world for a long, long time. If not completely mute, half the heroes out there will rarely get a single word into a conversation.

Solution: My Hero Can’t Hear/See/Touch/Feel Emotion – Why not let another disability have a shot? Maybe the next great video game protagonist is blind, maybe there will be a great new X-Men game where you get to play as Professor X, all I’m saying, is give the others guy a chance. Mute heroes have long succeeded in the industry, and with that same go getting attitude we can see a lot of disabled heroes earn their due in the future.

Problem: Children are Heroes – There have been many great children heroes, big names like Ness, Link, Baby Mario. The problem is for every Red we send out to become the best trainer around, there is a Gary, a poor forgotten child whose grandfather can’t even remember his own name. Children shouldn’t be expected to become breadwinners of the house and heroes of the kingdom as soon as they reach age eight, it’s too much pressure.

Solution: Children should be Children, let Mom have a shot – Sure, Cooking Mama is technically a gaming protagonist, but when is the last time she saved the world from impending doom? It’s time for Mom to step up and do the dirty work their children have done for them. If there is one thing Moms are good at, it is being extremely over protective. Maybe it’s about time house Matriarchs show the world what they can do when they aren’t taking care of the family.

Problem: Pits – The bottomless pit is the bane of all platform games, you fall down one and you’re a goner. With close friends such as the acid filled pit, the pit full of lava, or even the water filled pit for heroes who can’t swim. Pits have long been the quiet and quick killer, no guns, no explosions, just inescapable darkness and death. To speak frankly, these pits are becoming outdated and could use a bit of a makeover.

Solution: New fillings – The pit itself is still a great trap, simple and effective, but it could always be spiced up. Maybe pits could use some more guns and explosions? A pit that causes a set of explosions after you hit the bottom? Sounds hilariously violent and fun to me. There are a lot of unique and fun ways to kill people out there, and they could all go into the pit!

Problem: Home Invasion – Imagine yourself in the shoes of a homeowner. You spend a long day working; you come home and just want to relax after all your hard work. You sit down in your favorite chair and then hear a loud crash. You turn around and there is a tiny man in a green tunic brandishing a sword at you! He breaks all your boxes and pots and steals all the hard earned money you’ve been saving and then leaves. Well, the working man thinks enough is enough.

Solution: Neighborhood Watch – Have a criminal problem? There is no better way to deal with pesky heroes than to band together as a town and keep an eye out. If that hero breaks a few too many boxes, maybe it’s time to send a few an angry mob or two his or her way. Townsfolk need to step up and not let protagonists step all over them just because they are secondary characters.

Problem: Fetch Quests – Go find 5 bear pelts, 3 squid eyes, the crystallized brain of a skeleton monkey, and four pennies from 1937. Your uncle needs these items in the correct order to make his secret magical stew, or something like that. These have been done to death, and no one likes to constantly run around like somebody’s personal delivery boy.

Solution: Unionize – The only way to fix one of the most grievous clichés and boring game design choices of all time, is to unionize. It is time to fight for protagonist rights and not let the quest givers have all the power. With an established heroes union, heroes would never have to fear being given boring quests or mindless tasks, they will get the epic quests they deserve, or go they will go on strike.

Can you think of any more video game clichés that need to be spiced up, changed, or just plain removed for good? Do you have any personal video game pet peeves? Let us know!

Pirates of the Caribbean 4 -

Okay, I never actually seen all of Pirates 3, so I’m not sure exactly what happened in the movie before, but from everything I saw, it doesn’t look like any of it mattered as Pirates 4 appeared to be a pretty stand alone adventure from the rest of the Pirates Universe. The movie, well, it just felt like yet another Pirates movie. It was pretty predictable, Jack gets in trouble, he’s going to do something extremely cinematic to ‘escape’, and then he is going to turn the corner and be recaptured immediately. We’ve seen this like 10 times from the Pirates franchise, all we need is another ‘lets tie up all these guards with a giant rope’ section and the undead monkey screaming and we can call this masterpiece complete. Don’t worry, both of those things do in fact happen.

6/10

X-men First Class -

Now I have seen all of the X-men movies, and despite a pretty stellar cast in the past, the movies have generally been disappointing. The last thing I would of said to revive the X-men franchise is, “Hey let’s get rid of Patrick Stewart, thats a good idea, right?”, but, to the credit of everyone working on the movie, it worked extremely well. X-men First Class is simply a really good movie. It has some really touching moments, believable and likeable characters, a great antagonist, and it all works. It’s nice that they didn’t do what they did in the past and make everyone’s favorite characters into complete douchebags, because let’s be honest, Cyclops has been ruined forever. X-men First Class is what you should hope for when going to see a summer super hero movie, a good, entertaining time.

8/10

I like to try to consider myself pretty open to music that has some sort of musical merit, and my view point on what qualifies as musical merit is pretty wide. I may not listen to every genre, but I can see the artistic merit in a lot of music that is out there today. I can see the value in a song if it has great instrumentals, a great vocalist, interesting melody, well written lyrics, etc. Not all artists are good at all of these things, but in most genres of music an artist is good at at least one of those things, and usually more.

For someone I never listen to, I choose Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber is someone who I’ve never actually heard anything from which actually sounds like original, creative music, and with some amazingly whiny vocals, I just decided to stay far away from him as a whole. As it stands right now, my opinion of Justin Bieber can basically be summed up in a few words – Boring, unoriginal, repetitive, grating, and in general a person who is marketed for his appearance more than his music. Since Justin’s most popular song is ‘Baby’, that is the song I’m going to be listening to.

This was a bad song, that’s not to say it was a good song I don’t like, I still firmly believe this is a really bad song. Justin’s lyrics consistently repeat the same words over and over, “baby, baby, baby, oh”, “thought you’d always be mine, mine”, “Now I’m all gone, gone, gone, gone, gone”. Certainly repetitive lyrics aren’t anything new in music, but when your song is nothing but repetitive lyrics that is certainly a weak point. None of his lyrics really provide me with any emotion, they all feel like generic pop bullshit. I have a hard time believing that a 16 year old boy really knows what love feels like, so when he sings about it feels horribly ungenuine. The vocals are uninspiring, every line sounds the same, Justin doesn’t really do much to really take control of the song with his voice. The melody and pacing of the song is basically the same for the length of the entire song, there are no real musical shifts, it’s just the same few repeated beats over and over again. Ludacris solo-rap in the middle of the song felt a little out of place, although it was certainly better than Justin’s repetitive “baby oh” thing, since Ludacris can actually string a few lyrical sentences together without having to fall back on the same chorus for the 8^th time.

When a song completely lacks any sort of creative lyrics, instrumental music, or harmony and relies solely on a ‘catchy’ repetitive beat and chorus, it’s most likely not a very good song. With Justin Bieber’s “Baby” that was certainly the feeling I had when listening through each and every time. I used to stay away from Justin Bieber’s music, I don’t plan on changing that habit after listening to him.

Microsoft -

I thought Microsoft was the ‘winner’ if E3, if that is a thing, I don’t think it really matters. Microsoft was laughed off the stage with the Kinect last year, 10 million units sold later, I think they are pretty happy. Microsoft decided to go with a Kinect heavy lineup. Mass Effect 3 with Kinect integration? That sounds fucking awesome. I never even dreamed that I would bother getting Kinect before, but I guess’ Mass Effect 3′ has become the magical words that might open up the doorway for me getting it… If I ever.  I really don’t care about the new Halo games, I haven’t even played through an entire one since Halo 3. Star Wars Kinect has potential, of course so did Force unleashed on Wii, and we all know how that ended (badly).

Sony -

Uncharted 3? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Playstation Vita? Pretty cool I spose, I just feel like I would never use it, I mean my PSP with access to every game ever sits and collects dust, so I’m not sure there is anything on the Vita that would change that. Dust 514 looks pretty cool, with the EVE Online connection I could see myself being interested in that. I’ll grab inFamous 2 eventually, I liked the first one, so I’m hopeful for that.

Nintendo -

Congratulations Nintendo, you’ve reached 2006. I am not particularly impressed with the WiiU lineup, and I just feel like 2-3 years down the road when the new Playstation and Xbox are hitting the shelves, this thing is going to be as valuable as a paperweight. The WiiU might have better technical capabilities than anything on the console market right now, but, uh, those all came out years ago, sorry Nintendo, you haven’t reached Next Gen, you reached this Gen. As completely expected, a new Zelda and Mario game was announced, that’s cool, I guess, but it’s not anything I’m going to write home about (Much like Halo 4-6, after a certain point in a IPs lifetime, I really don’t care much anymore).

For everyone interested in reading my stuff, check out Gamer Gaia, there should be a handful of news blurbs from me up on there throughout the course of the day. It’s not going to be anything spectacular, but it will be news, and it will be published, so I’m happy.

• Most Persistent Zombie
• Best Catchphrase
• Scariest Zombie
• Cutest Zombie
• Most Retro Zombie
• Most Personable Zombie
• Most Successful Zombie
• Most Memorable Zombie
• Most Iconic Zombie
•  Most Piratey Zombie

Now get over to my article and read about some zombies.

For those interested, my first piece is here. It’s a small news piece on some new Tribes Ascend artwork, but it’s something, and it’s a start.

I’m happy. I’ll probably get some more news posted later today. It feels good to be published though!

The year was 1998, the world was excitedly looking forward to partying like it was 1999, Monty Python wasn’t over quoted to the point of insanity, and Bill Clinton was having a sexy romp in the White House. I was a young 8 year old lad who liked computer games way above my age bracket. My older cousin introduced me to an interesting isometric post-apocalyptic RPG known as Fallout 2. While I was too young to understand many of the references at the time, I quickly fell in love with the Fallout series, and I’ve been going back to Fallout 2 like a lost puppy for many years. Now days I look back at Fallout 2 as my all time favorite game, and these are some of the greatest moments in the game.

- Are you ready to become a porn star?

In the greatest little city in the Fallout universe, New Reno, you are presented with a lot of interesting opportunities.  One of those opportunities comes at the aptly named Golden Globes studio, where if you have the right skills on the mattress, you can live the post-apocalyptic American dream and spread those legs for cash. Not talented enough? You can always become a fluffer for some extra cash. Bonus Points for some of the great porn titles you can produce including…

• Great Balls for Hire
• Good Will Humping
• Vault Sexteen
• Pokeahotass
• Pullout: Post-Nuclear Boogalo (my personal favorite)

- High Stakes Arm Wrestling

Ever arm wrestle a super mutant? Fallout 2 gives you the opportunity to, but only if you’re willing to put something on the table. In Broken Hills you can meet an arm-wrestling super mutant named Francis. If you accept Francis’ arm-wrestling challenge, he is willing to bet a power fist if you win, you have to bet something a little closer to home. When I said put something on the table, I really should have said you’ll have to bend over the table. If you lose the fight, you wake up with a ball gag in your mouth and the kind of unclean feeling that can never be cured. I hope you like to be the gimp.

- Boxing

Ever get sick of Mike Tyson kicking your ass at punch out? Well now’s your chance to kick his ass right back. Fallout 2 has the unique oppurtunity to start a boxing career for your character at the Jungle Gym (I see what they did there). You first need to talk to Stuart Little, the dwarf that runs the gym and say you want in. Get far enough in your boxing career and your character gets to go up against a few fun names, like Evan Holyfeld and Mike “The Masticator”. Mike even has the fun move of biting your characters ear off, which permanently damages your charisma, just like real life! Not strong enough to beat these guys? You can always find a pair of metal plated boxing gloves and cheat your way to victory.

-Frank Horrigan, everything about him

This guy is a fucking pro at being an antagonist. He is by far the most frightening being in any of the Fallout games. Imagine if the Nazi’s actually succeeded in creating super-soldiers, now give that raging super soldier a suit of power armor and the good old american can-do attitude, and you might have someone half as bad-ass as Mr. Horrigan.  Through out Fallout 2 you’ll have various run-ins with Frank, the first time he simply slaughters a family of farmers, wife and kids included. Later you see him punch a hole in a man’s chest, a man who was wearing metal armor. When (if) you finally beat him, he also has probably the coolest and most climatic deaths in the game. I also want to take a moment that when you finally kill Frank is the moment you beat the game, Frank isn’t even the leader of the Enclave, he is just the top of their secret service. Killing the President of the Enclave isn’t the end, it’s when you take out Frank, that is pretty impressive.

- Pop culture, everywhere.

If you’ve ever played Fallout 2, you might have noticed pretty much everything in that game is a pop culture reference to something else. In front of the Cat’s Paw we see someone doing their best Cheech impression from ‘From Dusk Till Dawn’. There are countless Monty Python references, you can run into King Arthur and his men searching for the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, or you can find the Bridge Keeper who will ask you questions 3, fail and you die. There are more references than I could possibly list and make entertaining, so I’ll lead you to this list here.

There is of course a lot more to Fallout 2 than I could ever talk about in a single blog post, if you want to know more, I can’t recommend playing Fallout 2 enough. The fact that you can still find it in a lot of stores for $10 bucks is a testament to it’s ability to stand the test of time. Best game ever in my book.